They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
