It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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