one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
