I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Randomize
