there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Randomize
