Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
