Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
