And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I wish i was in the wii world.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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