i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
