and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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