he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
