Your dad touched me again.
false alarm. still invincible.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
