My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
