i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
