You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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