First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
