I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
