I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
