Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
