Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
