I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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