and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
it was like eating out sand paper
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
