I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
