Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
