Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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