So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
