CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
