Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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