my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I don't deserve a penis
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
