If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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