Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
