I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
