WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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