how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
