I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I have aggressive nipples.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
