tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Randomize
