The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
