help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
