I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
