genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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