today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Randomize
