This dress was meant to end up on your floor
My underwear smells like fireworks.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
