My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
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