He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
