Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
