Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
