Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
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