We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
