I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
