no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
