My cat gives me a boner
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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